Rene Artois, owner of the Cafe Rene in the French village of Nouvion, is 'persuaded' by the Resistance to hide two escaping British airmen. Rene is more interested in having affairs with his two waitresses without his wife finding out.
The Germans, who are occupying the village, are busy looting anything valuable.

The Colonel and the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over Renandeacute; and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But Renandeacute; convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged.
Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing Renandeacute; poison pills 'to make it easier', Herr Flick decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in Rene's back room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of Madame Edith's singing.

After the Colonelandacute;s and the Captainandacute;s uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacement uniforms. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick.

The Colonel and the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.

Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture Renandeacute;, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, LeClerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - Renandeacute;'s passing by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!

Renandeacute; tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named Renandeacute;, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur LeClerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.

The communist randeacute;sistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead Renandeacute;, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to Renandeacute;andacute;s twin brother Renandeacute;, so that he can shoot them.

The Colonel's birthday party becomes a perfect opportunity for getting the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies back from Herr Flick of the Gestapo, and substituting it with the forgery that was made earlier. The plan is to not invite Herr Flick but make sure that he hears about the big Binge - a traditional feast with genuine Bavarian dances featuring girls dressed as the Hitler Youth - so that he will have to come. In the meantime, Renandeacute; and Edith are supposed to walk into the office of Herr Flick and substitute the real with the fake. Of course, they fail - which means that Herr Flick now both has the fake and the original plus a second forgery, which he commissioned on his own in order to have money for his marriage with Helga after the war...