(8:13 PM Domestic Disturbance) Third Precinct - Officer Janee Harteau says the main reason she became a cop because it was challenging, not a controlled environment, you deal with all kinds of people from all races and all levels of poverty from rich to poor. It's different, but everyone's the same. It's easier to talk to people when you are a female. They were brought up to talk first, physical next. Officer Holly Keegal has a blonde short puffy mullet and says originally was going to be a teacher, but took some law courses and really enjoyed it. She took more classes and decided to pursue law. They go into a backyard and there is a dirty white guy with a heavily stained shirt sitting there. He says he lives there, looks drunk and has trouble standing up They lead him around front to search him, find nothing, put him in the car and he flips out. He curses at them and says he didn't break any law and won't fully get in. The woman in the house says he's her brother. He's an alcoholic, one of the nicest guys when sober, but when drinking you stay away from him. They go back to him and he says "take it easy, I don't care who you are, what are you trying to do, why don't you stop- They want him out so they can cuff him. He struggles, goes down, his shirt comes up and he tries to roll away when they go to cuff him. Holly puts her knee on his head. He curses them and says something about them failing training. Janee says it doesn't matter that they are women, they aren't messing around. They aren't getting away with it. On their off time we see Janee playing the drums with black gloves while Holly plays the keyboards in the garage. Holly took piano lessons for a little while, but gave it up to play sports. She can't read music, but plays by ear. She wears short pink shorts and a Guess top. Janee sings, she was in a band, so they got together and thinks they can really do good some day if they pursue it. It's a great stress reliever away from the job. (10:03 PM Theft in Progress) A young black kid was seen running. They pull up and Holly runs out and catches him. She stands on him and cuffs him. He was on a motorcycle and she brings him to the backup unit and puts him in the car. She goes back to the Vespa scooter. Sgt. Tom O'Rourke arrives as their car is making all kinds of noise. Holly explains the screw is off on the air conditioner. There were four of them, but they only caught him. He's a juvenile and will be booked for theft. A full jail is a happy jail. (3:21 AM) 911 Call Residential Robbery - Officer Pam Elius says it's quite a job, not anyone can do it, no other job is like it. She couldn't do anything else and wouldn't want to do anything else. Where else could you work 8 hours a day and have fun? A black man fled a house he robbed with a gun. They go to the house and the victim is an old woman who is terrified. She was sleeping and the guy came into her room and covered her mouth, she's worried her mouth is swollen. Officer Charles Teneyck writes her story down. Pam gets her water. Her mouth is fat and she tastes blood. He went through her purse, took her keys, told her he needs money because his kids were hungry. She went to get her purse and wouldn't turn the light on, but was afraid he would attack her. He came in the back window, but she only had $1 in there. She didn't hear him, he left out the back door and gave her the keys back. Pam checks the window and the screen is cut. She hopes with the info she gave them and the jewelry he stole they can track down the piece of scum. (4:47 AM Vehicle Fire) They go to a yellow van that is burning up as fire and black smoke are pouring out of it. They find a guy nearby and check him out. She moves the car away in case it blows up. She gets out to talk about blocking traffic and there is an explosion. The Fire Department arrives. Pam hopes there was no one inside, she called but got no answer. The guy says he and his girlfriend live in the van and are homeless, she lit a cigarette and he couldn't get her out. They don't find a body though. The guy has Tylenol 3 that he says it's for his leg. He talks slow and he's out of it. He has chest pains. There's no label on it the pills because he wanted to sell them. Pam says there was no girl there, but he says she was. He wants his pills back, she says to talk to the doctor. He wants to take a leak, she says only if he wants to go to jail.

Live from New York, it's... Phil Hartman!



Sketches include "Bush Addresses Iraq," "Bad Idea Jeans," "Sprockets," "Twin Peaks," "Luther Campbell," "All Things Scottish," "Cattle Song," and "Frank Sinatra and George Michael."



Sinead O'Connor performed "Three Babies" and "The Last Day of Our Acquaintance."