(10:08 PM Disturbance Call) Sheriff's Dept - Deputy Eugene Lancaster works the unicorporated parts of Harris county, in the last few years crime has gotten a lot worse, mostly drugs, especially crack. They're undermanned and always busy. A man is breaking windows with a pipe. Eugene goes up the dark driveway to a rundown house. A woman says her boyfriend done beat the windows in and took off. She saw him throw a ladder through a window and broke three others and the air conditioner. She was over his house and her car died and he left her there. They pushed the car to Circle K and the tow truck driver brought her home. He did it because he was drunk and thinks she's screwing around with the neighbor. They have two kids together and her grandfather lives with her and Eugene explains to her what to do if she wants to file charges. There is a gun on the table and Eugene holds it as he explains it. They guy isn't there, so he can't arrest him. They'll have to sign a statement saying he did it. Suddenly shots are fired in the yard. He calls for backup 42-40 and then runs out and hunts the guy down. He is in the yard in a red shirt and jeans. He tells him to get down and cuffs him. He says not to move, to shut up and asks him where the gun is. He says he has no gun. Eugene searches for it and tells him to shut up. He calls in that the guy is in custody. The woman comes down smoking and wanting the two jackets he's wearing saying they are hers. The man says he drank a 12 pack of beer and a pint of whiskey - that's it. He doesn't care anymore, doesn't smoke crack. As they are driving back to the station a torrential rains starts. He says he was filing a criminal mischief report, got shot at, it scared him to death and was not a good feeling. He didn't see the guy, made a run for it and caught him. (11:22 PM) They arrive at the station, take the first door on the right and Cpl Jim Haley questions him. The drunk says that his girlfriend got him disappointed and no woman in the world should get you disappointed when you are drinking trying to have a good time. When the car breaks down and they blame you that isn't right. He's not an alcoholic or anything, he doesn't like it, that's the way he is that's the way it's gonna be! That's the way he grew up and that's the way it's gonna be. He gets angry. You don't know where he grew up or where comes from. You don't and nobody else will. It makes him mad. He's worse than Rambo. He doesn't use a gun. He's the only one who can change it. He doesn't smoke crack. He is an alcoholic, he drinks the cheap whiskey. He is dying anyway of cirrhosis of the liver, but no one believes him. He's been through a stomach staple, he's been through hell, more than Rambo. He can't stop, he can't stop today, why should he? He ain't never tried to kill anyone or hurt anyone, he did break some teenie windows. Whenever he gets out he's not going to stop. As long as she treats him wrong he'll treat her like sh-t. If she treats him right, he'll treat her right. They've been together for 4 years. He has 2 kids - 2 years and 4 months and 8 months. He hopes his kids see this so they'll be worse than him. He knows his one boy will be worse, he hopes he is. A man won't take sh-t from a woman. He doesn't want people messing with him when he has a good time. He says he doesn't drink that much, when someone gets him pissed off he gets pissed off. Jim asks shim if he wants help for his drinking. He says he doesn't need help, he just pissed off, it would be throwing money out the window. He cries and says he loves his kids, he could've got shot. Then he asks if it will cost anything. He says counseling is free and he admits he needs help. (2:52 AM Disturbance Call) Harris County Sheriff's Dept - it's lunchtime. They are stuffing hot dogs down. Deputy Michael Sieck says his partner Deputy Bubba Hinton wears a hat, but his head is too big to fit in the car. Bubba says he's a native Texan and he likes wearing a cowboy hat, it goes natural with him. They take separate cars and hope it'll be a quiet call. Karen says for the guy to tell them. The guy says he rents a room to a friend and they got into a fight over the renter's woman. He has no shirt on and the guy has no pants on. The woman says the owner wants to sleep with her. The renter says the owner hit him in the face. She asks the owner to tell the truth that he came to her house and harassed her. She says not to turn his dad gum back on her. She has a 20 month old son and doesn't want to deal with it. All three of them smoke. Bubba says a tenant has rights and he has a right to have a woman over. The owner doesn't want her there. The renter says he wants her there. Bubba says she has to leave or she can leave with them. Bubba says if Karen doesn't leave he can arrest them all. She goes to leave and curses the owner out. Mike says 'he's fixin to jail her'. She gets so mad because he wants to screw her and she just wants to be friends. Mike says she shouldn't come over there and flaunt it front of him. She says she's not flaunting it. He says it's a figure of speech, she's in front of him. She says she didn't like him because he had no front teeth and was ugly looking.

Live from New York, it's... Lorne Michaels!



Sketches include "Nervous Dennis," "Lil' General Fireworks," "Mr. No-Depth Perception," "Super Fans," "Middle-Aged Man," "The Carsenio Show," "Burger Barn Drive-Thru," "The Shindells," "Pat's Barber," "I'm Chillin'," and "The Sunrise Show."



Elvis Costello performs "The Other Side of Summer" and "So Like Candy."