(Northern Division Street Patrol) Sheriff's Dept - Deputy Bill Hubler goes in his trunk for cuffs and a clipboard, then puts the cuffs on the shotgun inside. (2:45 PM Traffic Stop) He pulls over a black Z28 with license plate LE WEEZ. The driver Mrs. Anderson has over $9000 worth of traffic warrants and her license is suspend. The passenger Mr. Burton is sucking a lollipop and has no license either. She is pulled out and has no pockets to search and says she knows why she's getting arrested then yells "What- really loud. He says the tape case and magazines are his and wants to know why they got pulled over. No front license plate. She starts crying in the back. He is free to go so he grabs his stuff and walks away. Bill finds an exacto knife kit in a wooden box, a vial of meth inside, a butane pencil torch and a glass crack pipe. She used to be a model and they find a folder of glamour shots of her posing in lingerie. Bill says she used to be a pretty good looking and she's not anymore. Central Jail - Sgt. Grant Burnett says the advisory committee on adult detentions will be inspecting them, so make sure they polished their shoes, get a haircut and are squared away. He reads off the assignment list for search, P&R, etc. and they head out. (3:40 PM) Deputy Gene Bursch is assigned to gate duty. The first guy gets one chance to go along with the program. They'll take the cuffs off and if he sits in the room for 4-6 hours he'll get no charges, if not he gets a padded room for 12 hours. They hand out bags to put possessions in. (4:45 PM) They ask the guy if he ever wanted to kill himself, he says yes, but not tonight. He's been charged with oral copulation and sodomy, $60,000 bail. He'll get a chance to post it, but most likely won't be able to. (6:20 PM) A man says they picked him up at the YWCA and they tell him to be quiet and he'll get out in a few hours. He wants to know something. They tell them they don't know anything. He says they are the f - king police, they should know. He and his pregnant old lady have been all over the US with no problem. They say he should stay out of San Diego. They search a guy on crystal meth. They can get violent, paranoid and attack because they think people are out to get them, especially the druggies. He says he slammed and shows where he did it. He sticks it in the breasts of a woman on a tattoo. His heart rate is 104 bpm, he says he's not using though. It's instant exercise. They look in the drunk tank and people are whooping it up. One guy spits on the door. Another guy, Wayne, says he hasn't done meth in a week. They say he's tweaking and lying. They put him in a padded room and he says "Why me- They smell pot and a small Mexican and a black guy in the drunk tank are smoking it. They pull them out and search them. The joys of alcohol, a typical Friday night. (7:38 PM) Eddie the transvestite is brought in, he's a regular and is wearing a tube top, white hat and looks like a cross between Vince Neil and Cher. He is charged with possession. They check his arms and he has a huge scar where he shot up at 3pm. He says he'll be out in a few hours, maybe more since he looks so cute. They show guys inspected naked in the shower. William is brought in for being drunk. He's down on the floor and says he can get up. He's the Duncan Man and not turn his arm and hurt. Gene tells him to shut up. He won't open his mouth or follow the program. Gene says he's not going to make it. Eddie is fingerprinted. An old black drunk is let out, free again. He says maybe he drinks too much and maybe he belongs in jail. They say they'll see him tomorrow, he says maybe later tonight. Bill says all he had was a couple of beers. He has a bloody fat lip and was beat up. They go to inspect him and he fights and goes down. Three cops are on him and he starts screaming like a girl. They tell him he's heading for the rubber room. He keeps howling and says he'll cooperate. He leaves a big bloody spot on the wall. He says the cuffs are hurting him, but they can't take them off because he's fighting. He says he isn't fighting. (9:07 PM) A guy in solitary tried to kill himself by wrapping toilet paper around his chest and setting on fire. Gene asks why he did that. He says so he could get pain killers. Gene says it'll hurt twice as much with the burns. A Mexican drunk is brought in and wants to go home. Gene says to click his heels together three times and say, "there's no place like home". They guy actually does it and Gene says drunks are so funny. They say goodbye to Eddie and they'll see him next week. Welcome to County jail gentlemen, step on inside.

Live from New York, it's... Dana Carvey!



Sketches include "The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson," "Colon Blow," "Eternity," "Girlfriend Dumping Service," "The Continental," "Attitudes," "Lease With an Option to Kill," and "Hardbound."



Bonnie Raitt performs "Have A Heart" and "Thing Called Love."

Hastings and Poirot are playing Monopoly when they are interrupted by Lord Pearson, the elegant Chairman of the London and Shanghai Bank. The banker asks them to investigate the disappearance of a Mr Ling - a highly-valued customer who before he went missing had arranged to sell Lord Pearson a map showing the location of a long-lost silver mine. Ling is found murdered, a young stockbroker is implicated, and Poirot has to untangle a complicated plot.