Dewey is appalled when Hal takes over as coach of the soccer team, and Malcolm gets more than he bargained for when he sets his computer to act out the lives of his family. Reese resorts to blackmailing his neighbor Ed, and things get heated during an ice-fishing trip.

Homer is anxiously awaiting the start of the new XFL season when the Springfield Retirement Castle calls to report the death of Abraham Simpson, but the report is a mistake. A new woman moves in down the hall and Grandpa decides that he wants to be able to drive a car again, one so that he can feel alive again and two so that he can impress the new woman, Zelda. With his new license in hand, Grandpa borrows Homer's car for a series of dates with Zelda. In a role reversal, Homer has to lay down the law when Abe stays out with the car all night. Abe runs into trouble at the Kwik-E-Mart with a rival gang of retirees that results in him competing in a death race. Abe wins the race, but Homer's car is ruined. Homer revokes Abe driving privileges. Zelda has a reservation in Branson and she goes with Abe's rival. Abe steals Marge's car and goes with Bart to Branson to get her back. When they get there Abe actually just gets back at her and calls her the "hootchie" everybody said she was.

When Cotton's VFW has to close down due to a shortage of members, Hank tries to get Vietnam vets to join. But the WWII vets and the Vietnam vets hate each other, and when Hank tries to bring them together, he and Cotton wind up getting pursued by kill-crazy Vietnam veterans who are having flashbacks. Meanwhile, Dale gets a falcon that keeps attacking Bill.

The DSR tests Sydney to find her connection to a 500-year old picture and prophecy in a Rambaldi maunscript. Also, Sloane learns that a friend may be working for the enemy.

Scully is anxious to recover William from his kidnappers and takes matters into her own hands when the FBI's attempts to assist in the investigation are less than helpful. With the help of the Lone Gunmen, Scully discovers terrifying information about her child's captors, and is once again forced to confront the mystery regarding the sinister interest in her son.

The detectives investigate the murder of a judge's clerk, with their attention initially going to the judge himself, who had been having an affair with the young woman.

A college football player collapses in the heat of practice, and his death haunts Nate and his AVM secret. With Matt Gilardi failing to buy out the "resilient" Fishers, Kroehner's regional director, Mitzi Huntley, decides to take matters into her own hands. Federico asks Nate and David for a down-payment loan for his house, but learns they're buying a "casket wall" display instead. Desperate, his wife Vanessa turns to her sister, Angelica, for help. Brenda invites the man who deflowered her over to dinner; Claire learns that Gabe is carrying some serious excess baggage; Keith frets that his drug-troubled sister Karla is neglecting her daughter, Taylor; and Robbie, Ruth's flower-store co-worker, asks Ruth to witness his graduation from a self-help seminar.

Michael fights to get Ben back into his life - he has to prove he can handle the HIV-positive situation. Brian is introduced to his mother's minister - but they've already met (not in church). Ted has a really hard time dealing with some performance enhancing drugs.

After delivering an enormous sandstone to Osiris 4, Fry, Leela and Bender are forced to work as slaves assisting the construction of the great Pharaoh Hamenthotep's tomb -- a pyramid. When Bender experiences an identity crisis because he has never been an over-achiever, he becomes extremely motivated, working harder and faster than anyone for the completion of the tomb. While the Pharaoh acknowledges the crew's diligence, Bender's efforts accidentally kill him, and Bender proceeds to the throne.