While waiting for the bus, Cartman relates a "dream" he had about being abducted and anally probed by aliens. Kyle's baby brother, Ike, drops by and Kyle plays "kick the baby" until the bus arrives. Then, Kyle and Stan witness aliens abducting Ike while they ride away on the bus. At school, Cartman starts farting flames, but continually denies any actual abduction. Even when an 80-foot satellite dish emerges from his anus, he does not believe. The aliens find the kids by using the satellite dish, Ike escapes the mothership, and Cartman is taken away, only to be ejected later.

Jimbo takes the boys on a hunting trip on a mountain. Stan's father, a geologist, discovers that the mountain is going to erupt. The whole town pulls together to save the hunters and South Park itself. Meanwhile, the party on the mountain is unaware of the danger. Their greatest concern is Scuzzlebutt, a monster with celery for a hand, Patrick Duffy for a leg, and spends his free time weaving baskets.

Cartman wins a national environmental essay contest by plagiarizing Thoreau's Walden. The prize is getting on live TV with Kathy Lee Gifford, who visits South Park. This causes Mr. Garrison to relive a traumatic childhood memory when young Kathy Lee beat him in a talent show. Mr. Hat convinces Mr. Garrison that he musthug her. Meanwhile, Cartman decides to take Weight Gain 4000 so that he can "bulk up" for his big appearance. He becomes so fat that when he is accepting the award from Kathy Lee, the stage collapses at the same moment Mr. Garrison fires at her, hitting Kenny instead. Cartman gets to be on Geraldo, Mr. Hat is committed to a mental hospital, and Chef gives Kathy Lee some sweet lovin'.

Stan has a new dog, Sparky (voiced by George Clooney), that is different from other dogs. He is homosexual. This troubles Stan, who has to concentrate on quarterbacking the South Park Elementary football team against Middle Park. Stan could be key in beating the 70 point spread against them. Sparky, after being hurt by Stan's feelings about his lifestyle, runs away and meets Big Gay Al. Stan, distraught by Sparky's disappearance, sets out to find him.

Kyle gets an elephant, but his parents won't let him keep it because it is too big. Mr. Garrison gives a lecture on genetic engineering, which gives Kyle the idea of making a pot-bellied elephant by splicing the genes of his elephant with a pot bellied pig. Terrence bets that he can clone a human before Kyle can make his animal. Kyle and the boys go to the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, where they meet a Mephesto. Mephesto takes some blood from Stan, which Terrence uses to make a clone. Chef tells the boys that in order to make a pot-bellied elephant, the elephant would have to make love to a pig. The boys get the animals drunk, and the deed is done, but the Stan clone, starts wreaking havoc on South Park.

Stan's Grandpa turns 102, and all he wants for his birthday is Stan tohug him. While Kyle is watching Terrance and Phillip, his mother becomes enraged, and calls everybody's parents. Now nobody can watch the show anymore, and the parents organize a movement to end the show. The parents go off to New York to confront the network about the show. Back in South Park Stan begins to sympathize with Grandpa and agrees tohug him. Death shows up but instead goes after the boys.

The first Halloween episode starts off with the failure of the Mir Space Station, which crashes right on Kenny. An ambulance comes and takes his body off to the morgue. The boys start to brag about their Halloween costumes. At the morgue, a freak accident involving a bottle of Worcestershire occurs, and next thing you know Kenny is a member of the undead. Kenny breaks free and wanders off into the night.

The boys see a commercial with Sally Struthers about adopting Ethiopian children, and getting a sports watch. Instead of getting the watch, an actual Ethiopian child is sent to South Park. When the charity comes to pick up Starvin' Marvin at Cartman's house, they take Cartman instead. In South Park, Mephesto creates a species of mutant turkeys that terrorize the town, and everybody enters a "Braveheart"-style war with the turkeys.

Kyle's mother complains that the Christmas play is favoring Christianity and not catering to people of other religions. Mean while Kyle is visited by Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo who only appears to Kyle. The complaints about the play continue, and all religious elements are removed from the play. Kyle is committed to a mental hospital because everyone thinks he's crazy for believing in Mr. Hankey. When Chef finds out about Kyle he makes everyone believe in Mr. Hankey, who appears finally to everybody.

Eric is handing out invitations to his birthday party at school. Mr. Garrison informs them all that there is a new student joining the class. Announcing to all that he is Damien, the son of Satan. Even as Damien demonstrates his demonic powers the children are more loathsome than impressed

Mr. Garrison decides to get a nose job. On the day of his operation, he gets Ms. Ellen to substitute for him. After the operation is complete, he discovers that he can have his dream career: hanging out and screwing hot chicks. Now Ms. Ellen is the new teacher, but that is OK because the boys all have a crush on her, especially Stan, which makes Wendy extremely jealous.

Mr. Garrison takes his class on an archaeological dig for arrowheads. Cartman finds a mysterious triangle and the kids get on TV about this important discovery, which captures the attention of Leonard Maltin. He comes to South Park to warn about Barbra Streisand's desire to get the triangle. Barbra Streisand comes to South Park and tries to get the triangle from the kids. Barbra finally get the other triangle and becomes Mecha-Streisand, wreaking havoc upon the town. Maltin tells Chef to call Robert Smith of The Cure to come to the rescue.

Cartman has been absent for school for some time, and the boys go to his house to find out what's wrong. Cartman has become depressed about not having a father. Cartman confronts his Mother about it, and she says that he was conceived at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance. Meanwhile, Kyle and Stan enter a videotape they made of Cartman holding a tea party with stuffed animals in the weekly contest held by Americas Stupidest Home Videos.