Major Kira purchases some Bajoran lilacs to honor her mother's birthday. She didn't know much about her mother other than what her father told about her. Unfortunately, just before her mother's birthday, Gul Dukat calls and tells the Major that her mother was once his. Determined to prove him wrong, Kira looks into the Cardassian Occupation records.

Albright's father walks out on his wife and into Sally's life, while Harry walks into Rutherford College's vacant radio studio and begins his career as a shock jock.

The pretense that everything is fine with Greg's parents finally proves too much for Dharma, who snaps during dinner at a Chinese restaurant and has the bad news served to Greg in a fortune cookie (to the absorbed interest of the Chinese family sharing their table). Trying to help the Montgomery's non-existent sex life, Dharma takes Kitty to her local neighborhood erotica store, where they naturally run into Abby and Larry. Greg and Pete take Edward for a drink to commiserate, and Edward demonstrates his ace in pick-up lines: "Excuse me, young lady, do you have change for a million- Meanwhile, Jane has gone off to a Star Trek convention ("I like middle-aged men who are virgins"), leaving her pet Mr. Boots with Dharma and Greg; but Greg freaks out when he discovers that Mr. Boots is not exactly a cat.

Brandon works on a story with a pompous Pulitzer-Prize-winning reporter. Kelly gets a developmentally disabled young man a position at the clinic, where he freaks out after making a minor mistake. Kelly convinces Brandon to let Chris join the reporter and him on the ice at a Los Angeles Kings practice, but Raitt leaves town to work on another story. Brandon helps Chris get a dream job at a friend's ice skating rink. In order to pay his taxes, David takes a job as a jingle writer. A ballad he had written for Valerie ends up in a deodorant commercial. Steve realizes that he and Jill have nothing in common. She dumps him before he has the chance to break things off. Janet has a crush on Steve, but he doesn't seem to get it. Donna discovers that the diamond jewelry that Noah gave her is fake.

The Pope is visiting New York City, leading to spiritual revitalizations for Mike and the mayor. Carter fixes Nikki up with a friend of his. And Paul's turtle is loose in City Hall.

The death of a college student leads to a case involving an HIV-positive male who's seeking to infect as many young women as possible. McCoy, testing right-to-privacy ethics, wants to charge him with murder.

The show starts off with the build up from last season's cliffhanger revolving around Cartman's paternal origins. However, just as it seems they are about to get on with the second half of "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut," they do a 180 degree turn-around and reveal that for April Fool's Day they will be showing Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus."

Sam Ryan investigates the murder of a young estate agent found dead in an empty house. As she attempts to find out whether the estate agent had secretly arranged to meet a client or a lover, a tangled web of relationships is uncovered, and a violent struggle leads Ryan and the police back to the house.